The Power of Questions
When I first started learning how to coach my coach and trainer Calvin Coyles did a session with me on my ‘primary question’. It’s the question we ask ourselves most when we are stressed or not getting the results we require.
I discovered that mine was “why is this happening to me?”. I realised straight away how disempowering this question was. And therefore when things didn’t go as I thought they would, I found it stressful and frustrating.
I did some work with Calvin on creating a new primary question that was more empowering and allowed me to deal with the ups and downs without getting stressed and feeling unnecessary pressure.
I went for “how can I learn from this and how can I accept or change it?”. It feels better to say that aloud. It gives me the power and reminds me that life is happening for me and not to me.
I have two questions that I like to ask myself regularly. To check that my actions are in alignment with my vision for the future me. The first one is “who am I being” or “who do I need to be”.
Because we are after all human ‘beings’. So it takes the focus away from doing and thinking and it shows me if I’m stepping off or away from my path and what I consider to be success.
It also helps to reveal any beliefs, views or opinions I have that don’t serve me. If I’m being someone who is driven by lack, comparison, competition, who is ruminating on the past or concerned about the future, I know that is not who I want to be.
So it prompts me to ‘do’ something about it. But the doing comes from being. I can then turn it around on myself and create a new belief which is aligned with who I want to be.
The second one is “for what purpose”. I intend to ask myself this every time I go to take action. To check that the action I’m taking is in alignment with who I am being
I can check that it’s aligned with my core values of love, service, freedom, fun and honesty. If it’s neither of those things I don’t do it, and it always feels great.
I’ve always been an inquisitive person. It’s probably why I became a journalist, that and my love of storytelling. I remember regularly as a child being told to shut up because I was asking too many questions. I always wanted to know why. I always wanted to understand the thinking behind what I was being asked to do.
My Mum’s answer was often “because I said so” I found that infuriating. My Mum didn’t believe she needed to explain herself to a child. And fair enough. But I’ve never said that to anyone and especially not my son. I don’t want him to conform.
I’ve always encouraged him to ask questions. To not accept things at face value, to not accept someone’s word, to find out for himself, even if that means making some mistakes and f__king things up.
Strong minded men ask questions. Weak minded men let others do their thinking for them. There are more outlets for bullsh1t than ever before. So it’s double important that we don’t just accept things as fact.
We check. We ask questions. We do our own research. We weigh up, we seek expert advice. Beliefs are just thoughts we have never questioned. So, question your thoughts, question your opinions, question your views. Where did they come from? Are they true? How true? Is the opposite true? Question, question, question….
Are you Truly Living?
Now there’s a question. This was a question (I’ve said this word so many times now that it seems weird) we debated on a LinkedIn live recently. I joined Laura Toop and Mark Carolan to explore this and it was a thoroughly enjoyable and insightful debate.
So much so that we’re doing part two. Same question but this time the focus is on from complacency to courage. Because it takes courage to truly live. To be yourself wholeheartedly and unapologetically.
To live a life outside of that which has been prescribed to you by your culture and the outside world. Because our minds are so adept at creating fear. That’s why we’re afraid of the dark, because our minds create fears of what might be there. Most fear is unfounded F alse E vidence A appears R eal.
Fear is visceral and we feel it in our bones and if we allow it to it holds us back and gets in our way. But courageous people feel the fear and do it anyway. It will no doubt be a tremendous chat again, here’s the link if you’d like to join us. We’d be delighted to see you there.
https://www.linkedin.com/events/areyoutrulyliving-fromcomplacen7189307126123511809/theater/
Learning Something New
I’m always learning, it’s a never ending journey, learning and growing. I used to be arrogant. I thought I knew it all. Looking back all that did was lead to ignorance. These days I’m aware that in the grand scheme of things I know f__k all.
This week I learnt something from my wife. It took me a while to understand, but I reckon I get it now.
Emotional labour. Julie was away for a few days last week working. She asked me to put a wash on as the basket was overflowing. Yeah no problem I said and thought and left it at that.
The problem is household chores are not high on my list of priorities. That’s not to say I don’t do them. I do. We both work full time and I want to do my fair share. But perhaps it’s the way we’ve been brought up and the examples that were set by our parents but Julie is very much the project manager of our lives.
She feels the pressure to keep the house running. I don’t. I do things when I ‘have time’. My wellbeing comes first, then my business and my clients. I had a busy couple of days, networking events, calls, coaching clients, so I figured I didn’t have time to do the washing, but it could wait, it wasn’t urgent.
When Julie came back she was upset. I couldn’t understand. I said don’t worry I’ll get it done it just hasn’t been done yet, but when I don’t do things like the washing or hoovering Julie feels that it falls to her to get that organised.
And the truth is it does. And that’s simply not fair. I’m not lazy. I’m not avoiding jobs hoping she will do them. But I don’t feel the same pressure she does to get these things done.
Apparently this is called emotional labour. The mental activity required to manage or perform the routine tasks necessary for maintaining relationships and ensuring smooth running of a household or process, typically regarded as an unappreciated or unacknowledged burden borne disproportionately by women.
“she wondered what would happen in a household where nobody did the emotional labour”
That’s what Google tells me it is. And now I recognise it. Julie feels it. I don’t. I could definitely be more supportive and aware of that. So from now on I will. When she got upset I felt attacked. I felt like I was being accused of being lazy and leaving it for her, because I wasn’t. I refused to change where it fell on my list of priorities. I told Julie that prioritising it was her choice.
I talk a lot about cultural conditioning. And here it was in action. I was totally unaware of how this was making Julie feel. And what is high on my list of priorities is supporting my wife and especially emotionally. Lesson learned.
